Monday, 13 August 2018

26 and I think I found myself

For so long I've felt like I didn't really know who I was. I have never really been content. Once I had children I felt somewhat complete, but it still felt like something was missing from my life.

I've trialed and errored many jobs, career opportunities and passions of mine but they soon fizzle out and make me either unhappy or passionless.

Since I was a little girl I've been creative always making something, drawing, painting or hand making clothing for me and my dolls. I always wished I had taken fashion design at school, I studied it a few years back at college but I fell pregnant with Roman after completion of the course and it never seemed like the 'right time' to pursue my dreams. 

Then I got into plant dying, I wanted my brand to be ethical, locally sourced products to be used, handmade and to be as organic and natural as possible. But my love and passion for sewing dyed very quickly after making a big order over a few days I realized just how much I hated sitting at a sewing machine making things I had designed. I couldn't understand because I felt so passionately about it. But the motivation wasn't there.

I am a passionate person and I do everything with passion. I like to create with love and purpose. Its never about profit for me it's about fulfillment and making other people happy through something I've done or created. But I couldn't give happiness to others if I wasn't happy doing what I was doing.

As a child, I also danced. Every - single - day. Even if I was sick I'd still throw in a little boogey! I left school and I studied performing arts dance at college. I was so sure I would be traveling the world as a professional dancer. But, I became sick in my final year and I started missing classes or entire days I won't go into it too much but a long story short I had undiagnosed celiac disease which fucked up my entire self. I was depressed, I felt like an old lady I just slept all day and I couldn't find motivation for anything. I lost all 3 of my part-time jobs and the most hurtful thing was I lost my college place. My teacher told me I 'wasn't ready' and that I wasn't 'committed enough'. This crushed me alongside all the other negative things she said to me during classes. The way she would roll her eyes when I couldn't remember dances, the way she'd shout at me for getting confused. The way she got angry because I completely forgot my monologue that I had one day to learn because of veing off all week sick! 

I gave up.

I started studying hairdressing because it was a 'sensible' option and I became more and more depressed. I loved the salon and the people I worked with but the creative side wasn't fulfilling to me!

I started my blog and I've been satisfied with that, but I had still felt like something was missing. I am so passionate about blogging because I know I have helped and inspired many people and even if I can help just one other person that makes my heart happy! And encourages me to keep posting!

Dancing is what makes me feel content. I have danced since college but only here and there but I would never perform in front of anyone because I thought I was shit and not good enough because of the way my teacher approached things with me, it had a huge effect on my subconscious and I became fearful to perform in front of people. It also had an effect on my personality too I was always so confident and very loud but I became very introvert and confused about who I was. 

If you've been watching my Instagram stories lately and you follow my personal account you'll see I'm started to upload dance video's and the compliments I've gotten have really boosted my confidence. Though it's not perfect and my ballet training is far from complete I feel complete! Dancing makes me so happy even when I'm sad, tired or stressed. Its the cure for everything to me. I've suppressed that side of myself for so long it's so refreshing to get back into it. I'm so inspired when I watch people dance and I've always wished I pursued it when I was younger. But right now I am just accepting that my journey is the way it is and it was supposed to happen this way.

I can't wait to start teaching soon. I don't know how soon it will be I'm not putting any pressure on myself I'm just going with the flow and enjoying the ride.

I feel like dancing is what I am supposed to do. when I see my 1-year-old daughter try to copy my fouettes it's the most magical feeling ever! What are you passionate about? Whats your dream? Whether you believe in fate or not, my mother bought me some jazz shoes when I was a little girl, I wore them all the time. It's the only item of 'clothing' I have from my childhood. Sadly my mother passed away when I was 4 years old. Every time I look at the shoes hanging in my room I feel like it's a sign. Her way of telling me to pursue dance! I believe the universe is a bit magical like that.

I want to encourage you to just go for it. Fuck everything (in moderateion) and just set your soul free and do whatever makes YOU happy and content. 

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